i hope you see the heart in me.

-

fractured finger
i fractured the fourth finger on my right hand during training on thursday. how did it happen? mr bulb hit the ball and it flew and it hit my finger. i continued playing for awhile, then i realised that my finger was bleeding quite badly. i thought my finger just bleed and swelled up a bit due to the tension when the ball hit my finger. haha but anyway, i went off the pitch to wash up the wound. then i realised that my finger was very swollen, very. so i waited for mr tan to bring me some ice to ice my finger. at that point, it was already very painful. but i didn't know i fracture it.

mr tan and mr bulb told me that its okay, i just need to ice it, but weizhen told me to see the doctor, cos she suffered the same injury on the same finger, same place, the previous week. but since they said it was fine, i went home anyway. after my bath, i crushed the ice (as told by mr bulb) and wrapped it around my fingers. but after awhile, my finger swelled up to an amazing size, almost as huge as my biggest toe. that was when i also felt the most pain. i couldn't take it, so i called daddy up to bring my to the doctor.

at first we went to the clinic, but the doctor said it was quite serious and i needed x-tray. so we went to the hospital. i did the x-tray and it proves my finger was slightly fractured at the top. then the doctor heated up some metal thing and made a hole in my nails to release the blood clot up there. haha, that was painful please, but after that, my finger felt looser. after bandaging, i went home. i took mc to i missed school yesterday.

you might think that without one finger, it would be fine. but, no. i was having such a terrible time doing things without one finger, which also means, without my right hand. sigh. and i can't play today and tomorrow's game, much as i want to. i jusyt hope i can recover in a week's time.

anyway, so much for fractured finger, i'm off now.

you're the one i want to chase.

-

life'd been pretty hectic for me and i think everyone these days. so much books to bring to scool, so much work to do, so much trainings, so much everything. i don't have enough sleep and it shows in class and on my face. i try to get sleep in between lessons and all those terribly fugly pimples are popping out. :(

it'd been three weeks with my new class, but i still don't like, and i hate the idea of seperating with everyone. till now, i miss my past class. its so miserable to see everyone in different classes now, but still in the past years cliques. i can't adapt to my new classmates and this is killing me. oh, someone, please tell me why.

i've bought so many things i want, and now, i feel so broke. actually to be honest, very. mummy and daddy are still in Hokkaido and they won't be back till monday night, but i need cash terribly. yknw it feels so bad to step out of home feeling broke. yknw?

-

i've been missing church too much, really. and i'm kind of feeling very bad. i don't read the bible, i don't pray much these days, i'm slacking so much on my quiet time with God, i know i'm losing part of my faith i have in God. sometimes i feel that the presence of God is so far away, i can't feel his mercy and grace the time i need them most. i'm such a failure, i'm such a sinner. its a terrible feeling, i know i badly need some revival for my soul, spiritually and emotionally.

oh Lord, please talk to me during service tomorrow. i know You're watching over me and i'm still Your child. Your grace is never far. i need You terribly now, where're You?

-

game with crescent tomorrow. hope we'll play as well as the previous match with northland and everything'll turns out fine.

-

but you can't ask me to stay.

i don't want to lose a chance with you

oh i think i'm a happy girl this week. i got almost all the stuffs i want. but maybe i'm still sad. sigh.

i bought my,
- gucci envy perfume
- new grays hockey stick
- a nike shirt
- a pair of nike shorts
- a pair of beautiful red slippers

yes i'm happy with what i bought, but it seems that nothing can fill the terribly bottomless empty feeling in me. nothing, not the stuffs i want, not cash, not nothing. i just want something, but you don't know it.

you might think i'm colourful, but i'm not.

-

went to CHIJ kellock convent in the afternoon to fetch twenty adorable little girls to school to learn hockey. i thought that they were irritaing and terribly pampered kids who doesn't know how to get to st theresa's when its so near from their school and we've to go all the way down to fetch them over.

but i think they're pretty nice and cute in the end. especially this little primary 4 eurasian little girl. oh my, i'll tell you how cute she really is. -

she called her maid to pick her up from st theresa's convent after her training, but her maid doesn't know where's st theresa's convent. so i initiated the idea of her maid taking a cab to st theresa's later. and this was what she told her maid,

'do you have enough money to take a cab? if you don't, you could take some money from my piggy bank.'

oh my please, you could imagine how cute she is, since what she told her maid was already extremely cute. isn't she?

-

anyway, mummy and daddy are in Hokkaido(japan) now. haha i'm waiting for their return so i could have my presents and many many chocolates, as they promised. you want to share some? haha i know you do. :)

alright, i'm off for today.

-

when you only got a hundred years to live.

i like this song,

beautiful soul

i don't want another pretty face
i don't want just anyone to hold
i don't want my love to go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul

i know that you are something special
to you I'd be always faithful
i want to be what you always needed
then I hope you'll see the heart in me

i don't want another pretty face
i don't want just anyone to hold
i don't want my love to go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul
you're the one I wanna chase
you're the one I wanna hold
i wont let another minute go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul

your beautiful soul, yeah

you might need time to think it over
but im just fine moving forward
i'll ease your mind
if you give me the chance
i will never make you cry c`mon lets try

am I crazy for wanting you
baby do you think you could want me too
i don't wanna waste your time
do you see things the way I do
i just wanna know if you feel it too
there is nothing left to hide

i don't want another pretty face
i don't want just anyone to hold
i don't want my love to go to waste
i want you and your beautiful soul

your beautiful soul, yeah

she wants to go home, but nobody's home.

-

i'm sick of everyone, i hate this world i'm living in.

it's coming to an end of the second week of school and there's only one word; miserable. yes, school'd been really miserable, well at least to me. or rather, life'd been so miserable and unfair to me in many ways, or maybe, every way. so many uneventful things have been happening to me, and it just feels so wrong. it feels like being kicked and pushed around, nothing feels alright, no, you don't know what its like to be like me. sometime i just feel that my existance in this world is just so wrong, so wrong, really. sometimes i just wished i was someone else, or maybe born in a different part of the world. but of all places, why am i stuck in this hellhole here? i know it sounds crude, but well, i really can't take it anymore, i can't hide anymore. i seem extremely fine and normal, but all the things i hide, but do yknw how terrible and miserable i really feel deep inside? yes you do? no, i doubt so.

i don't want to make myself sound like i'm a girl trying to make myself sound very depressed, cos i need attention, but i don't. i hate to admit this, but well, maybe i am. its like so much i'm trying to put aside, so much i'm trying to forget, so much i'm trying to hide, but enough is really enough. its so difficult trying to be someone i'm not, always laughing and happy when deep inside i'm not. i'm not what i am, seem to you. you don't know what exactly i'm really like, no you don't. you can't feel the agony in me. i know this sounds a bit scary, but you don't know how exactly it feels, so you can't say no you don't believe, no you can't judge.

does anyone wants to be my punching/kicking bag? my ocassion bitchfits are here again. this is bad, it'll make me and you go crazy. so go away.
ohwell, i'm off. :(

with my big fat smile and stupid lies, but deep inside, i'm bleeding.

all for love's sake you came;

hey. it'd been quite some time since i blogged. year 2004 is already over and its year 2005 now. and yes, its back to school again. the past three days in school wasn't that bad. class was fine, though i still miss my class last year. but well, everything has to come to an end.

today was bad, very bad. i lost my watch which has a significent value to me(you really don't know how much that thing mean to me), and it'd always been very important to me. i think i left it in the cab when i alighted this morning in school. oh shitness, how careless can i get. i'm feeling so terribly terrible now. i'm surfing through the internet to find a way so i could order it from europe. ah, can anyone get it back for me please? :(((((((

i could see it on the cross.